Warhog (MURDERFACE MURDERFACE MURDERFACE)

Sometimes you look at a faction and you are astounded by all the options, other times you get the warhog...

Who needs two-handed throws when you got MURDERFACE?

Da Stats

Spd- MURDERFACE is speed 4 cause he loves to take his time and enjoy life. You could learn a thing or two from him, like how to fucking hate speed 4. Makes his total unbuffed threat range 7 1/2.

Str- If someone want's to throw our poor pcp addicted piggy, it's gonna happen. Fact of life, move on, complain about something important like why are you reading the musings of my meth addled brain.

Mat- He is mat is 6 cause if it was any lower he would not be able to do his name sake which is well murdering faces. He typically needs to boost against pretty much everything. On an unrelated note my lovable rapscallion of a warhog managed to miss a defense 8 three times in a row (says more about my dice then about him...) cause sometimes you got take a break and look at the bigger picture.

Rat- Did I mention that I needed this post to look bigger to compensate for my incredibly small, shriveled, cancerous, down right emasculating....sticker collection.

Def- As hard to hit as every other scumbag, Canadian, devil worshiping piggy, so 12.

Arm- Armor 18 means he doesn't die as easy as armor 17? Got no more similes just meth....lots of meth. just enough armor to ensure only his paint gets scratched by power 12's.

Hit boxes- he has 28 which is more cushion for the pushing if you ask me. Four power 18's will on average dice off our bacony abomination so don't let enemy heavies get near him.

Cost- All that you see can be yours if you pay the oh so small price of eight points along with your pride, money and virginity. For eight points can't call him a steal by any means though.

Over all his stats sum up what his Modus Operandi is, be slow, not very accurate, murder faces all while loving you long time.

Special Abilities & Weapons 

Aggression Dial- He can be forced take D3 points of damage to PARTY HARD. Plus two strength makes you from girly piggy to the death dealing entrepreneur we know and love. With this turns your tusks and cleavers to power 17 and 18 respectively. The forcing means you will lose one attack but for the bonus two strength it's usually a fair trade if you are attacking one poor schmuck. The D3 damage can fuck you something fierce if you lose an aspect because of your drunk science.

Massacre- Cost two fury and is range six, lets the poor unfortunate soul you put it on murder faces harder by letting him/her charge for free and if (and only if) he/she kills the charge target with his/her charge attack you can move one inch and get a free attack. This animus blows, I'm more likely to get raped by a shark in Detroit then be living in the magical fucking Christmas land that this animus holds so dearly. The few times I do use this is to kill people is when like dark wing duck always says "lets to get dangerous!" and spend two fury to move one fucking inch, maybe. I usually just use my warlock to cast this disappointment to let my piggy get a free charge.

Gore- P&S 15 with crit knockdown. Use this mother fucker to free stike those who dare oppose the might of MURDERFACE. If you have to boost a attack to hit your victim boost this one.

War Cleaver-P&S 16 and he has two of them nothing to look at here shoo fly shoo.

Synergies-N-Shit

w/ Carver- Mobility and batten down the hatches makes Carver hot stuff. Offensively our piggy with Carver looks like this, one power 17+1D6 and five power 18+1D6 rocking effective mat 8 (cause quagmire is legit).

w/ Good Doctor- God put the Good Doctor on this earth for one reason, to make our starving Ethiopian piggies from lion food to sleek steam punk killing machines. His feat when not causing your piggies to have rape fantasies of each other basically says get a free charge then party like a rock star. Offensively he makes them look like this, one effective power 21 and five effective power 22's with a mat 8 (crippling grasp and forced evolution). Bonus, his tier list makes warhogs one point less cause being a pimp ain't easy especially when your trying to sell an ass like MURDERFACE.

w/ Strum & Drang- Aside from telekinesis Strum ain't got shit for our murder of the face but Drang gives them goad and killing stats that look something like this, one power 17 and five power 18 with mat 8 & a free charge.

w/ Midas- Midas has calamity and his creepy corpse fucking feat. With calamity he can give them killing stats like, one power 19 and five power 20 w/ mat 8

Final thoughts on the warhog is he hits pretty fucking hard with our warlocks and is deceptively fast cause he's a sneaky bastard. In any other faction you would usually pass him up for something not so balls sucky, but since piggies are fucking men they are willing to give our just-out-of-prison friend a chance. So if you are playing piggies and want a warbeast that hits hard look no further because he killed everyone else. Seriously though he is all you fucking got.

 

Razorback Crew (Hit them with the shampoo)

So before we begin I'm going to tell you if you are playing any kind of tier list don't look at razorback crew, look for Jesus cause god isn't here in razorback crewville.

3 points and all I got was scabies.

Stats
These fine terrorist of a pig have generic victim stats which is to say def less then 13 and arm less then 16 which means everything from risen to a scarlock thrall shanking will kill them. They are only spd 4 cause the guilt of blowing up a school bus full of orphans weighs them down. Rocking a solid level of rat comparable to my I.Q. which is to say 4. Rest of these stats are to trick you so I will refrain from speaking such blasphemy.

Abilities

Dig in- Means they can forfeit their action to get cover and be immune to blast damage until they move. Pretty relevant considering they can't shoot and move anyways so +4 def makes them not so prone to death. Cool story they can begin the game dug in.

Light Artillery- Ton of words that basically says you can't get aiming bonus or move and shoot cause bazookas are heavy.

Range Finder- If the crewmen is base to base with the leader the bazooka guy gets +2 to his atk rolls which is pretty much aiming bonus. makes his rat less of a joke but you don't take this guy to hit.

Weapons

Club- If you are using this to win something of great interest has just happened.

Pig Iron (Grunt only)- it's a range 10 power 12 that your scummy grunt can fire while finding that range.

Razorback (Leader only)- Range 14 power 15 aoe 3. Somehow these hobos found a sexy rocket launcher, lost three fingers to learn to fire it and said "LONG DISTANCE MONEY MAKER!" Guns great power 8 blast damage kills armor 14 on average rolls so only them rich infantry suckers who can afford shields and shit will survive.

Synergy

Lord Carver- Aside from the fact that Carver makes everything burn like my herpes, he does absolutely nothing for them aside from giving fearless which while nice isn't saving the day. The plus side his tier list isn't bat shit crazy like the good doctor or Strum & Drang so you can let them have advance deploy which helps them a lot with finding a place to bunker up and take pot shots every turn.

The Good Doctor- He has crippling grasp that debuffs the guys you want to shoot, But the Good Doctor likes his warhogs, road hogs and not razorback crew. Another nail in the razorback coffin is that the good docs tier 4 is amazing and that means no advance deploy for our disease ridden friends. Not saying it's impossible but spending the first 2 turns running tends to leave a sour taste in my mouth when I could have just advance deployed them, walked and dug in.

Strum & Drang- The Storm & Drive were made for razorback crew (probably) telekinesis means they can move 2 inches and still shoot, while it can be used to give them back arc bonus by turning enemies face down ass up. That pretty much is why Strum and Drang love them some razorbacks. Sadly they have a very nice tier so if you want that you won't be getting advance deploy which means another turn or two running.

Midas- While I have yet to try the grinder of bone he seems to show some razorback loving, his calamity spell is great if a tad short on the range and will cost you the game, but he likes warbeast and the gun boar is only 2 more points. Luckily for me my love of scumbag razorback crew far exceeds my disdain for gun boars.

Thornfall Alliance- It gives your units advance deploy if you aren't a tier list. Makes razorback crew from bad to slightly overcosted (as are all piggies).

Final Thoughts
The razor back crew is one of the better light artillery, which doesn't say much for light artillery, if it has advance deploy. If it is not rocking that advance deploy he is spending valuable shooting money running. They also are suffering from minions tax which means that they are 1 point much thanks to the fact that they whore themselves out to pretty much everyone (explains the itch to play them among other places...). The only other gripe I might have about it aside from the fact it can't hit the broad side of a barn, or live longer then a back alley abortion is the fact that gun boars exist. Don't get me wrong the gun boar causes me to shed tears of blood but for only 2 more points you get -2 power and +1 range (because it can walk) and the all-so-precious ability to boost. 6 points for two power 15 aoes is nice though. PRAISE BE ALLAH!

Thornfall Alliance and Carver (mostly Carver)

The goal of this gloriously shallow blog is to in my own words describe and distil all that is of my  homicidal pigmen faction for which whom I hold full of contempt love. So it only makes sense to start this blog with the BMMD himself.

 Lord Carver
Lets get this out of the way Carver is a god among men pigs. He makes your  piggies hit faster, stronger, live longer and actually hit in the first place, he's like that daft punk song about being harder, better, faster, stronger and shit. IF HE WAS IN ANY OTHER FACTION ( you know those "real factions" that have things that make me question why I'm fielding a 10 man unit that's 12/14 def & armor for 8 fucking points...but I digress) HE WOULD (G)RAPE YOU TO DEATH. Now that is out of my system lets look at his stats..

Fury- Hes got a an okay fury of 6 which gets the job done can't really ask for more.

Spd- his speed is above par for a scummy pigman which is to say average for the rest of the world. With mobility he's got his nikes on.


Str- why are you even reading this? Whats he going to do two-handed throw some punk?

Mat- he can hit def 14 on okay rolls which is to say average for a dude who makes a living stabbing faces.

Rat- In all of the games I've played with the great lord of Carv I've only used his gun to great effect once and it was to kill one of my brigands cause he was blocking a charge lane (don't ask why). So think of his Rat like this you can hit anything in your army on average rolls, anything more then that BOOST THE BITCH!

Def- Aside from the fact that using defense to live is for girly men like Caine, Carver got a pretty legit def of 15 not that it matters thanks to a certain spell.

Arm- This is whats going to keep you from being the main course, arm 17 is a lie he is armor 20 all day every day, except when you get real desperate and need that fury to cast something super shitty, like massacre.

Cmd- Got a cmd of 9 cause you don't run when Chief Smack-a-ho says to fight.

All in all Carver's stats range from average spd, def, mat, and fury to his manly arm 17 to his rat which we don't talk about. Now lets move on to his weapons-n-stuff.

Hand of God- Best name for a weapon ever, P&S 15 with reach and the whole "I'm on a warlock so it must have magic weapon!". With his feat this thing will put the fear of god in them.

Sawed-Off Shotgun- It's a rof 2 range 6 power 12 spray with BOTH MOTHER FUCKING BARRELS which in lame man's terms means you can get one power 16 instead of 2 power 12's at first I was thinking this was going to be the bees knees but in practice every once and awhile I would take a pot shot, couldn't really boost cause mobility+batten leaves you with that oh-so-precocious 1 transfer fury and if you are within 6 of shooting some fool you best be needing that transfer money . Think of it like this if Carver with mobility is moving 8 plus the 6 inches from his gun that is a 14 inch threat range now Carver charging with mobility is 8 plus 3 from charge plus 2 from his reach 8+3+2=13 so his gun only has 1 more inch of hate then his trusty rape stick plus his godlike rat of 5 isn't impressing anybody.

Farrow Warlock- He is a Pigman expect to play pig people. I'm never going to bring this one up again if you really need to know what this one means not even my enlightening rhetoric can save you.

Inspiration [Farrow]- Means farrow ain't afraid of nothing except ho's and tricks (while in his command). Doesn't come up often since most farrow as it turns out are fearless most of the time, it is nice though when I get that urge to remind myself why I don't use razorback crew.

Elite Cadre [Farrow Brigands]-  Gives your brigands combined ranged attack which turns them from victims who occasionally tough it to almost scary guys. Imagine 2 brigands suddenly becoming one rat 7 pow 14 or 10 of them becoming one rat 15 power 22 that's the stuff of nightmares.

Tough- Means if he bites the dust he has a 1/3 chance of giving death the finger. Never have had to make a tough check with him cause CARVER AIN'T EVAH GONNA DIE.

Did you know that without his spell list Carver would be a shell of a man? No joke his spell list is sex on fire if all you did was missionary for procreation only, as in it gets the job done and gets it done good but if you are looking for excitement then get the fuck out.

Batten Down the Hatches- For 3 fury it gives your battle group -2 def and +3 armor cause fuck the police. Turns your Warhogs from def a joke and arm 18 to def a joke and armor 21! Makes Carver the sexy beast that he is cause he is now rocking defense 13 and armor 20 and we all know that having defense is for the malnourished. I cast this every turn unless some crazy shit just went down. I can't even begin to think why I would not cast this (mage hunters I guess).

Mobility- Once again giving your battle group another ticket to the murder train by giving them plus 2 speed and pathfinder all for the measly cost of 2 fury. Now that 2 speed is pretty important considering when you run it's speedX2 meaning a Warhogs laughable speed 4 becomes 6 which lets him run 12. On a side note turns Roadhogs from fast to terrorism levels of speed. Cast this every turn you are not in combat. Don't ask questions.

Quagmire-  2 fury range 6, Buffs a friendly faction model/unit by turning them into walking magnets making any poor soul stuck next to the guy(s) not able to advance in anyway except to change his facing and if that wasn't enough it makes them get -2 defense which means piggies will be hitting them and stuff. This is one of them tricky spells at first glance you'll be thinking "they get -2 def and can't run away? Sweet!" But it's so much more.

Rift- It's a range 8 power 13  4 inch aoe sounds decent right? The kick in the teeth is it cost 3 which means you will always have something better to do with the fury you know like casting one of the above spells.

Feat [Hog Heaven]- While within his control area he gives all friendly farrow an extra damage dice and overtake. The turn you think you are going to have your way with them you pop this bad boy and watch armies melt before your superior pig technology. The overtake allows for some ghetto assassinations with the Warhogs animus cause none expects you to weasel an extra 2 inches maybe 3, except you know smart players but they are few and far between.

All in all Carver is a pretty cool guy and every thing he touches turns to gold. If I were to rate him between 1 being cancer and 10 being Carver he would be a solid 10. He makes your guys faster, hit better, tougher, and hit harder what more do you want? NOTHING! The only complaint that I would have about Carver (if it even is one) Is that the opponents know what he does after a game or two and he doesn't have a lot of subtly, doesn't stop you from smashing face but there's not a lot of "bet you didn't see that coming" moments just pure unadulterated piggy violence.