Brigands and you (check your pockets)

So before we talk about brigands let us talk about happier things like cancer or the aids epidemic.

Like the A-Team's F-Team's coffee boy's stoner brother.

Stats
These playboys got stats that rival Gandhi's military career which is to say they suck. Rocking victim stats through and through. They will get hit and killed by risen, swamp gobber crew, stormsmith punches (not lighting, punches like with that pimp cane). They have have mat and rat that will enhance your sexual performance by 63% which is still failing by my proud countries standards. Speed five isn't helping their fat asses. Ultimately they are the embodiment of piggies, slow, average mat & rat, defense twelve. What more could you want? /wrist

Powers and Stuff

Dig In- This nifty ability lets them forfeit their action to get cover and be immune to blast damage. Makes them from defense-get-shot to you might even have to boost. Lets them begin the game dug in since piggies apparently were there the whole fucking time.

Prayers- So once per activation they can pick one of three prayers which is pretty cool, also lets them pray and run.
Prayer of I'm tough- Makes them tough and fearless, with dig in makes these guys really fucking annoying.
Prayer of Pathfinder- Lets them go through woods-N-shit I've only used this prayer twice since most of the time these guys find a hill or a forest plant their feet, dig in and in general just bother people with power twelves.
Prayer of Almost Assault, Kinda- This prayer bestows the piggy power of shooting something and then mug stuff. Hows this different from assault you say? Well unlike assault this lets you shoot somebody other then your charge target, also unlike assault you shoot before you move meaning ummmm... you shoot before you move? DON'T JUDGE ME

Weapons

Pig Iron- It's a range ten power twelve gun which is kinda fucking good. Makes me question how the fuck these scum got their hands on it. Brigands still can't hit the broad side of a barn mind you, but at least they can scratch a jacks paint.

Club- Unlike our strangely good gun this is exactly what one comes to expect from playing piggies. Power tens do about as much as power fives, kill infantry and not much else.

Synergy's

The Good Doc- The Doctor being such a pimp gives these guys the respect they deserve which is none (fuck brigands). They are mandatory for his balling tier four list so take a min unit and let them suffer. The only nice thing the doc does for these cock mongers is crippling grasp punks but that helps every one so moot point. They are good for his feat as you run them up so your beast will frenzy towards the direction you desire and all it costs you is a brigand a beast, efficient!

Lord Carver- So aside from his amazing elite cadre that gives them CRA, turning them from chumps to ear biting world champs. Quagmire lets them become as big of a wrench in your plans as getting deported to Ukraine.

Strum & Drang- Deflection and telekinesis are pretty cool. Deflection lets them survive power eight blast damage on average rolls which goes a long way to making them not as bad. Telekinesis is arguably the best spell ever so not going to get much into that.

Midas- He has calamity which is just a crappy version of crippling grasp. The cool beans though is battle lust since it lets them hurt jacks. They won't be doing much to a khador jack but it's still better then just sucking dick for money.

Thronfall Alliance- It gives them advance deploy turns them from super over costed to trencher levels of not worth their points. I tend to take Thornfall bonus over Carver's tier unless I take 4-5 units of these guys because of his tier making them cheaper is typically not worth it considering it's basically one point for advance deploy which is a pretty cool deal in my book.

Overall you take brigands for a tough speed bump or when you want a shooting unit since they be the only hobos with shotguns around these parts. For 5/8 points they most certainly aren't cost efficient. Then again nothing in Thornfall is efficient....cept Carver. Being as our only other option is slaughter housers they most certainly make it into some of my lists. Personally I hate the living shit out of these guys when I'm not playing Carver because they just become a expensive distraction. CRA is just that good after playing with it they just don't make the cut with those amazing rat five pot shots.

Saddest league ever part 2 (they aren't people)

Less talk more rock


Week Two- 25 Points
In a magnanimous gesture of kindness I decided to not play any games that week seeing as my meth lab was in disarray after that FBI sting. 

Week Three- 35 points
Turns out that not a single fucking person played a league game in week two, sadly making me still in first place.

Game One Vs Cygnar
My list- Midas, gunboar, gunboar, warhog, warhog, boneswarm, slaughter housers, bone grinders, Targ, free dead road hog.
Scumbags list- N3mo & finch, Stormwall, lancer, Full stormguard, Gormon Di stone cold killer, two stormsmiths.

Terrain was forest on my left, hills in center and hill with cover on the right. Rocking my just glued Midas and his balling tier four list. After turn two his board is stormwall in forest, Gorman and guard chilling on hill with cover with lancer, Nemo and finch all chilling in back. Due to his high level of intelligence he forgot to deploy stormsmith till turn three. My piggy side had housers and a warhog going towards the stormwall, while boneswarm and warhog jr were gunning for those guard. Lastly gunboars, Midas and his groupies were in the center slightly out of get shot range. Cygnar turn three after realizing that having a squire causes finch to get the red frenzy, I let him turn those two points into a jihadist splinter cell formally known as stormsmiths. His stormwall shoots the fuck out of the hog near the guard for fifteen or so points then tries to nipple gun the slaughters, due to his bad facing he gets two shots into them cause field of fire too stronk (piggy toughs them both). His guard try to charge the boneswarm and hit once because defense fifteen against mat seven is kinda cool, doing no damage. Lancer runs near my housers for that chain lightning money. Old man Nemo gimps forward and arks chain lightning doing nothing thanks to his bad rolls. Finch shoots her cool gun and kills one piggy. Finally raging douche bag Gormon throws his black oil at hog near guard misses by three inches but thanks to some crazy fucking deviation still fucking hits. Seeing Nemo so close gives me the terrible idea of "I think I got this". Blind hog who got shot up walks a tad forward so Midas can charge his butt to get closer to do his thing. Grinders range buff  Midas and he charges my blind scum hog  missing ruining my plan as I need one fucking bone token . Realizing it's too late to pussy out now Midas hex blasts and calamity's the stormwall then pops his feat to put roadhog in shoot Nemo range. Road hog stands still and lights nemo on fire for four damage. Slaughter housers charge the wall and get four stabs in as one guy was sleeping on the job while the other was dead. They fuck the living shit out of the stormwall but because he was using stupid as hell I-pad mark damage grid thing and forgot to carry over the damage for two of the attacks only one side is gone while the other is questionably at half (I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU). So after ten minutes or so of me screaming how-the-fuck-did-you-forget-to-carry-the-damage-over I shoot it with my gun piggies who each casts their animus since Midas is gonna get killed then shoot the stormwall leaving it at five or so points. Targ ancillary a gun piggy doing another three to the stormwall. Warhog sexes up a lancer since he can't get to wall of big ass guns. Swarm tries to engage as many guard as possible. Fire burns the old man alive for another four points. He activates Gorman triggering both my gunboars to shoot on sight. First hog is within five and hits but rolls snake eyes for damage leaving that fucker still kicking at two points. Second shot being five and a half away misses, blast deviates sexily, at dice minus five I roll a six. Gorman being at one point gets nice and close then black oils Midas LIKE A BITCH. I am fucked.

Results- Fuck Gorman 

Game Two Vs Ret
My List- Midas, Boneswarm, Boneswarm, Warhog, Gun Boar,  bone grinders, slaughter housers, slaughter housers, targ, free dead road hog
Gay Elf  List- Ravyn, griffon, griffon, Dawnguard Sentinels w/ua (full),  Mage hunter strike force w/ua (full), battle mages, Wyshnalyrr, Narn, Mage hunter assassin

Terrain is hill in center, forest on the right, ruins on left. I win the roll. After two turns of running the board is hunters on right in the woods with ghetto mages behind them. Sentinels are spread out in the left and center sides with Ravyn and griffons behind them. Lastly Narn and assassin are getting naughty in the ruins. My board is a unit of housers in mid. A unit of housers staring down those hunters (which in hindsight was fucking stupid). Everything else is in the middle because I'm a genius. His turn all but two of my housers on the right meet their maker (aka Satan) and a griffon is designated a snackrafice to the piggy menace while the rest decided to watch, also Narn after deciding that life holds no meaning does ninja tricks and gets a charge off on Midas. He misses the charge attack but lands the second for six points. My amazing turn sees my gun boar snipe a ho formally known as that guy that gave sentinels vengeance. My two housers miss like a pro on the mage hunters. Both bone swarms tie up a bunch of hunters. MURDERFACE fucks himself a griffon while Midas stabs Narn in his vagina and calamity's the sentinels. Targ being the creeper that he is ancillary's the gun pig for lucky blast damage sniping on the assassin. He pops his feat and moves Ravyn and nailer scary close to my swarms. His mage hunters thinking broken bottles are better than broken dreams gang up on a bone swarm for sixish damage instead of just you know...shooting  Midas who has one fucking fury. His kittens with mittens try to do that at which their brothers have failed and magics Midas, but after learning that boosted range attacks does in fact not mean that magic attacks are boosted curses the gods and misses after needing tens.The sentinels charge my gun pig, some housers and a swarm, but fail the fucking terror check as a wave made of dead Muslims frightens their right wing sensibilities, because they are terrorists (get it? Terror-ist).  Griffon charges and fucks up a bone swarm for irreverent damage. My turn is another typical case of FUCK YEA MANMODE. Grinders give Midas the talk and he charges a hunter to get within ten of stone cold elf bitch and by sheer coincidence also within get-fucked-to-death-by-everything-else-range. Midas lands a calamity on her and pops his feat, brings back hog of roads to enact his holiday cheer. After looking the only thing between my phallic shaped boneswarm and her luscious lips is two hunters and that Wyshnalyrr fag. My whole army after some stupid bad rolls manages to kill the two hunters. Then spending 6 or so minutes figuring out how do I kill the fucking dandy man I remember the deep shame known as massacre and thus the warhog had a purpose. Hog of MURDERFACE buffs the swarm then cries deeply. My Road bamf stands still to burn that which is gay but misses Wish guy because fuck me, still hits and cooks Ravyn for at-least-your-on fire-I-guess-damage. Moment of manly moments boneswarm with three creep tokens charges nailer and  hits after a boost. The damage roll is a three but thanks to swarms jihadist powers still kills the infidel. He greases an inch to get in prison rape range. His free attack misses, Second hit after needing sevens. At dice minus two I don't boost and leave her at eight points. Buy my last attack. I hit and for the first time ever I pray for a ten. Sadly my prayers are answered.

Results- Piggies coming to a church near you

Week Four- 50 Points
I realize that meth rots your teeth and make a resolution to switch to krokodil. As for the league I'm still in the lead by one point because I killed the weak.

Game One Vs Legion
My List- Midas, Road Hog, MURDERFACE, Warhog, Bonewasrm, Gun piggy, slightly less gun piggy, bone grinders, slaughter housers, housers, that creeper targ, free dead Road
Another gay elf list- Absylonia- Sycthean, Carnivean, Seraph, Ravagor, shredder, shredder, harrier,  Typhon, Forsaken, Forsaken

After Declaring Jihad since he believes women have rights, the terrain is obstruction in center, hill on his side, forest on my left. By my turn two his board is Carnivean behind the obstruction, Ravagore was on my far left with everything else on the hill. My board was housers on das center and some housers my right. Road hog masturbating in the woods with Targ and gun boar watching because that's what creepers do. Midas, war piggy and last boar gun talk politics around grinders behind the pillar. His turn sees slip stream shenanigans letting Scythean slip my road hog a mickey leaving him at 5 points and one kidney poorer. On another note Redrum because that's what typhoon did to Road piggy with his money shots. His Carnivean creeps forward as does the rest of his army. Lastly he runs a shredder and a harrier as the only things between my slaughter housers and sweet blighted ass. I begin my turn Trying to figure out how to kill those lesser scum. I see that Midas can charge the harrier but only if one slaughter houser dies. I activate gun pig shoot that houser he toughs it... I activate targ he makes gun piggy shoot houser again, fucker toughs it. I activate other gun piggy who shoots my fucking houser. HE TOUGHS IT. I activate the grinders knowing no bonus range for me and they throw a magic kfc box at the fucker finally killing him. Midas casts massacre on himself, charges the winged abomination and before attacking curses the bitch. He boosts charge attack and misses needing a six. I buy another attack it hits, I boost damage and leave him at one point. Buy another attack it hits and with freaking necro sexing powers I get my free hex blast at the shredder. I boost, it hits, I boost, he dies. I turn my three creeper tokens into fury blaming all those misses, I battle lust the five housers pop my feat for double free road and start praying. Housers Charge two at Typon, three at Carni. With some fantastic rolls Typon and Carni are both at full. Free Road hogs realizing that spiny growth is busted try to block all lanes to Midas. Rest of the army being out of charge range runs like a bitch. His turn sees Typon shoot Midas to three then date rape master Scythean gives Midas a taste of his D.

Results- Charging with Midas for fun and profit.

I played one other game but due to my ride screaming GTFO I had to surrender turn two.

Final Score- 11/24

Final Place- First

So after four weeks of only playing seven games of which I fucking lost three I still get first. BEST LEAGUE EVAH

Saddest league ever Part 1 (Tiger blood)

So a few weeks ago my store decided to start a league. Now since our league was as well made as the Titanic I will state the league rules.

- The league will last for four weeks with escalating point cost each week starting at 15 points and ending at 50.

- Only three games each week can be counted towards the "league". A win will get you 2 points and a loss will get you 1, so each week you can get a max amount of 6 points.

-If you have gotten all three of your league games that week you can help others get their three in, it just won't count towards your score that week.

- You can't play the same person twice in a row in the same week.

Seems simple right? So let me start this bad boy off. My army if you might have guessed was minions because my love of bacon far exceeds my fear of death. Warning due to my frequent consumption of cleaning products my memory of anything longer then a suns passing is fuzzy.

Week One-15 Points

Game One Vs Legion
My list- Good Doctor, MURDERFACE, MURDERFACE, MURDERFACE
Not my list- P Thagrosh, Carnivean, Scythean
Scenario- WE AIN'T GOT TIME FO THAT

Terrain was just a bunch of hills and made no impact on anything. The first few turns were a drunken haze of him and me running and casting buffs. Once he got within thirteen or so inches I masterfully used the Good Doctors feat and thanks to my Warhogs being in Charlie's Angel formation (Imagine a triangle shape so they can't see each other thus preventing Brokeback Mountain 2 Return of the MURDERFACE) so my piggies frenzied seven inches forward the got the charge on his poor Dragon spawn. I had one pig on each heavy and one kept back by the Doc in case shit hit the fan as it always does. The piggy on the Scythean who also happened to be Force evolutioned wrecked the spawns ass in true MURDERFACE fashion even with Thag's bullshit minus two strength aura. Warhog B decided to foreclose his home by missing a defense eleven Carnivean with all but two attacks, to add salt on the wound he rolled a three and a five for damage. His turn was a sad day for all as Thagrosh thinking he was the Butcher gave himself draconic blessing (?) charged the Scythean killing bad ass and because of forced evo had to spend all but three fury to kill it (god rest his murder facing soul). Popped his feat brought back the Scyth to block a charge lane from my back up piggy, Thags then casted spiny growth on himself leaving him with one fury and called it a day. The Carnivean following my now homeless pigs example whiffed all but three of his attacks and thanks to some unholy column rolling left my bum fully functioning. My turn being a glorious moment in piggy history the Good Doc force evo the Auxiliary pig, decided fuck the police and charged his Scythean. Before the attack he crippling grasped Thagrosh, then whiffed the charge like the Good Doc that he is. His second shark punch hit and using his awesome mind control powers made the his dragon my bitch making it to walk to Thag and punch him for ten points which he transferred to the Scythean because it's funny. Back up Dancer piggy proceeded to charge Thag and show him his extensive collection of rape.

Results- PIGGIES WIN

Game Two Vs Retribution
My list- Dr. Strangelove, Warhog, Warhog, Warhog
Enemy list- Ravyn, Banshee, Stormfall Archers w/ Soulless Escort, Narn, Mage Hunter Assassin
Scenario- Going to give you a hint not one fuck scenario was given THE WHOLE LEAGUE

The terrain mattered this time so big forest in the middle and a hill on the right. I look at his list and I'm scared since my doctor buddy has a tendency to get shot like Tupac. I deployed in Angels formation cause I meant serious business, he lined his guys up Narn, archers on my left. Ravyn, Banshee and Assassin on my right. I don't remember how but for some reason I lived to turn three and the board looked something like this. Narn is chilling near my deployment, thanks to my feat I guess, his banshee got one shot off at a piggy then got insta killed, his Assassin was dead thanks to my mad primal shock skills and I had the doc in the middle of the forest. For a reason known only to him he attempted to go for the gold the turn after his banshee was killed while the doc was in a forest with three fury with only two Stormfalls that could draw line of sight. Long story short he forgot to activate caster first to pop her feat, needed double six's. After the doc emerged unscathed from his forest abode he realized Raven was in piggy charge range thanks to noob massacre hacks.The doc forced evo'd the pig gave him massacre then sent the lad off to die for his country. Murderer of face got there missed two of his three, luckily one boosted power 20 kills casters.

RESULTIBRU!!1! - Piggies > Elves

Game Three Vs Cygnar
My List- Going to blow your mind The Doctor, Warhog, Warhog, El Faceo De Murder
His List- N2mo, Centurion, Centurion and three Stormsmiths

After he spends 5 minutes saying my list is unbeatable the MYSTERIOUS UNNAMED STRANGER says he has a counter. Not giving the fucks I put down the same list. The terrain was the same as last game. After buffing we both B-line it towards the hill. He walks both of his guys up and polarity fields them both. After asking my local pressganger wtf happens if I frenzy on a guy I can't charge. He tells me after I slip him a five I just make a full advance, so with that newly acquired shady knowledge. The Doc declares jihad on the boys in blue and pops his feat making my army move a whopping four inches forward. The Doctor then lands a grasp on one Centurion (not the fail safe one) and primal shocks one smith to kingdom come. Two of my piggies trample to the crippled Centurion and wreck it bypassing his fool proof no charge plan. Last piggy runs to engage the last Centurion. Nemo thinking it's as good of a time as any waddles forward,  pops his feat to give the last Mohican enough focus to drown a cat. His Stormsmiths pull a 9/11 and try to twin towers the good Doc for 7ish damage. Manly man Centurion fucks shit up and murders one of my pigs in cold blood. Kill Centurion with last piggy because it isn't gay if it's a three way. With a corpse of a piggy there's some leeway. The Doc outraged by this blatant act of terrorism primal shocks the last two smiths to Guantanamo Bay while the last pig creeps up to the old bastard to have his way the next turn. Nemo the player that he is knows hes been out pimped, takes a shot at the doc then concedes.

Results- Pimping and piggies goes hand in hand

Extra Game Vs Khador
My List- Same list we play every night pinky
Red Dawn List- Epic Sorscha, Beast 09, Winterguard deathstar w/ no rockets, Kovnick Joe

The board is some cover on my left and a L-shape forest in middle, hill on right. By the Second turn we are both up he has iron fleshed Wintergaurd on the hill. I have Doc upkeep aggravater & foreced evo in forest and bacon out of Beast 09-gonna-make-you-squeal-like-a-pig-range. His turn three is the inexorable advance of the red tide of Communism with some pot shots here and there triggering hyper aggressive FOR THE FIRST TIME ALL LEAGUE in a way that doesn't suck genitalia. My turn I sees me an easy trample to beat with power 18's kill Sorscha plan, so I go for it. Piggy moseys on over missing his tramples on them conscripts while taking 5 or so for his troubles. First bought boosted attack on the ice bitch hits with dice plus one and I do seven or so points. Buy and boost, another whiff and that piggies sitting in deliverance range. other piggy runs to engage some Russians while back up piggy chills with the Doc. Doc tries to land a grasp on the guard but iron fleshed guard after being taught at that bobbing and weaving seminar are fucking bullet proof so he attempts to give Joe the shocker but misses. I only realize after he starts allocating that I could've popped the feat for one extra shot at the money but I digress... Ice whore doesn't upkeep the flesh and pops her feat then cyclones away. Beast kills trample man with two focus to spare. Winter smucks after getting a speech (You, you are like bear, hairy, prone to sleep in winter) to not blow dirty old men for money suck a lot less. Thanks to her bullshit feat they almost kill the engaging piggy and have two posers run to tie up concerned stranger #42 pig. My turn the Doc in an attempt to outdo his previous exploits charges the guards engaging pig #42. Before attacking tries to grasp them, misses needing a five.  Second times the charm right? He buys and boosts another grasp, fucking fails. Manly Doc manages to hit with his needle though convincing the Russian that stabbing his friend with a bottle of antifreeze is a great idea. After the assisted suicide my living on a prayer piggy tries to kill the Commys but needing sixes is to much for his pcp addled brain to comprehend and he whiffs everything. Pig #42 does a rocky montage as he prepares for the fight against The Russian Beast 09. Khador man kills the pig that was kind enough to let the guard live while leaving Beast 09 in #42 range and Scorscha safely behind a line of patriotism. The moment of truth. Coach Doc force evo's and massacres Rocky while landing a grasp on Beast 09 to make things fair. Rocky charges Beast 09 needing anything but snake eyes, misses all three of his initial attacks like the fucking pro that he is. The Icing on the cake is his other three attacks that managed hit that sky high defense of eight, rolling at dice plus two on damage managed to leave beast with every single system functioning. Realizing that my life long doctor friend is within Beast 09 gonna-use-you-as- a-condom-range with zero fury on him, I surrender.

Results- Being humble in defeat as I am in victory. I shall forever lament over the fact that out of over 50ish attacks I hit only 8. I blame the government.


Week One Score 6/6