Less talk more rock
Week Two- 25 Points
In a magnanimous gesture of kindness I decided to not play any games that week seeing as my meth lab was in disarray after that FBI sting.
Week Three- 35 points
Turns out that not a single fucking person played a league game in week two, sadly making me still in first place.
Game One Vs Cygnar
My list- Midas, gunboar, gunboar, warhog, warhog, boneswarm, slaughter housers, bone grinders, Targ, free dead road hog.
Scumbags list- N3mo & finch, Stormwall, lancer, Full stormguard, Gormon Di stone cold killer, two stormsmiths.
Terrain was forest on my left, hills in center and hill with cover on the right. Rocking my just glued Midas and his balling tier four list. After turn two his board is stormwall in forest, Gorman and guard chilling on hill with cover with lancer, Nemo and finch all chilling in back. Due to his high level of intelligence he forgot to deploy stormsmith till turn three. My piggy side had housers and a warhog going towards the stormwall, while boneswarm and warhog jr were gunning for those guard. Lastly gunboars, Midas and his groupies were in the center slightly out of get shot range. Cygnar turn three after realizing that having a squire causes finch to get the red frenzy, I let him turn those two points into a jihadist splinter cell formally known as stormsmiths. His stormwall shoots the fuck out of the hog near the guard for fifteen or so points then tries to nipple gun the slaughters, due to his bad facing he gets two shots into them cause field of fire too stronk (piggy toughs them both). His guard try to charge the boneswarm and hit once because defense fifteen against mat seven is kinda cool, doing no damage. Lancer runs near my housers for that chain lightning money. Old man Nemo gimps forward and arks chain lightning doing nothing thanks to his bad rolls. Finch shoots her cool gun and kills one piggy. Finally raging douche bag Gormon throws his black oil at hog near guard misses by three inches but thanks to some crazy fucking deviation still fucking hits. Seeing Nemo so close gives me the terrible idea of "I think I got this". Blind hog who got shot up walks a tad forward so Midas can charge his butt to get closer to do his thing. Grinders range buff Midas and he charges my blind scum hog missing ruining my plan as I need one fucking bone token . Realizing it's too late to pussy out now Midas hex blasts and calamity's the stormwall then pops his feat to put roadhog in shoot Nemo range. Road hog stands still and lights nemo on fire for four damage. Slaughter housers charge the wall and get four stabs in as one guy was sleeping on the job while the other was dead. They fuck the living shit out of the stormwall but because he was using stupid as hell I-pad mark damage grid thing and forgot to carry over the damage for two of the attacks only one side is gone while the other is questionably at half (I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU). So after ten minutes or so of me screaming how-the-fuck-did-you-forget-to-carry-the-damage-over I shoot it with my gun piggies who each casts their animus since Midas is gonna get killed then shoot the stormwall leaving it at five or so points. Targ ancillary a gun piggy doing another three to the stormwall. Warhog sexes up a lancer since he can't get to wall of big ass guns. Swarm tries to engage as many guard as possible. Fire burns the old man alive for another four points. He activates Gorman triggering both my gunboars to shoot on sight. First hog is within five and hits but rolls snake eyes for damage leaving that fucker still kicking at two points. Second shot being five and a half away misses, blast deviates sexily, at dice minus five I roll a six. Gorman being at one point gets nice and close then black oils Midas LIKE A BITCH. I am fucked.
Results- Fuck Gorman
Game Two Vs Ret
My List- Midas, Boneswarm, Boneswarm, Warhog, Gun Boar, bone grinders, slaughter housers, slaughter housers, targ, free dead road hog
Gay Elf List- Ravyn, griffon, griffon, Dawnguard Sentinels w/ua (full), Mage hunter strike force w/ua (full), battle mages, Wyshnalyrr, Narn, Mage hunter assassin
Terrain is hill in center, forest on the right, ruins on left. I win the roll. After two turns of running the board is hunters on right in the woods with ghetto mages behind them. Sentinels are spread out in the left and center sides with Ravyn and griffons behind them. Lastly Narn and assassin are getting naughty in the ruins. My board is a unit of housers in mid. A unit of housers staring down those hunters (which in hindsight was fucking stupid). Everything else is in the middle because I'm a genius. His turn all but two of my housers on the right meet their maker (aka Satan) and a griffon is designated a snackrafice to the piggy menace while the rest decided to watch, also Narn after deciding that life holds no meaning does ninja tricks and gets a charge off on Midas. He misses the charge attack but lands the second for six points. My amazing turn sees my gun boar snipe a ho formally known as that guy that gave sentinels vengeance. My two housers miss like a pro on the mage hunters. Both bone swarms tie up a bunch of hunters. MURDERFACE fucks himself a griffon while Midas stabs Narn in his vagina and calamity's the sentinels. Targ being the creeper that he is ancillary's the gun pig for lucky blast damage sniping on the assassin. He pops his feat and moves Ravyn and nailer scary close to my swarms. His mage hunters thinking broken bottles are better than broken dreams gang up on a bone swarm for sixish damage instead of just you know...shooting Midas who has one fucking fury. His kittens with mittens try to do that at which their brothers have failed and magics Midas, but after learning that boosted range attacks does in fact not mean that magic attacks are boosted curses the gods and misses after needing tens.The sentinels charge my gun pig, some housers and a swarm, but fail the fucking terror check as a wave made of dead Muslims frightens their right wing sensibilities, because they are terrorists (get it? Terror-ist). Griffon charges and fucks up a bone swarm for irreverent damage. My turn is another typical case of FUCK YEA MANMODE. Grinders give Midas the talk and he charges a hunter to get within ten of stone cold elf bitch and by sheer coincidence also within get-fucked-to-death-by-everything-else-range. Midas lands a calamity on her and pops his feat, brings back hog of roads to enact his holiday cheer. After looking the only thing between my phallic shaped boneswarm and her luscious lips is two hunters and that Wyshnalyrr fag. My whole army after some stupid bad rolls manages to kill the two hunters. Then spending 6 or so minutes figuring out how do I kill the fucking dandy man I remember the deep shame known as massacre and thus the warhog had a purpose. Hog of MURDERFACE buffs the swarm then cries deeply. My Road bamf stands still to burn that which is gay but misses Wish guy because fuck me, still hits and cooks Ravyn for at-least-your-on fire-I-guess-damage. Moment of manly moments boneswarm with three creep tokens charges nailer and hits after a boost. The damage roll is a three but thanks to swarms jihadist powers still kills the infidel. He greases an inch to get in prison rape range. His free attack misses, Second hit after needing sevens. At dice minus two I don't boost and leave her at eight points. Buy my last attack. I hit and for the first time ever I pray for a ten. Sadly my prayers are answered.
Results- Piggies coming to a church near you
Week Four- 50 Points
I realize that meth rots your teeth and make a resolution to switch to krokodil. As for the league I'm still in the lead by one point because I killed the weak.
Game One Vs Legion
My List- Midas, Road Hog, MURDERFACE, Warhog, Bonewasrm, Gun piggy, slightly less gun piggy, bone grinders, slaughter housers, housers, that creeper targ, free dead Road
Another gay elf list- Absylonia- Sycthean, Carnivean, Seraph, Ravagor, shredder, shredder, harrier, Typhon, Forsaken, Forsaken
After Declaring Jihad since he believes women have rights, the terrain is obstruction in center, hill on his side, forest on my left. By my turn two his board is Carnivean behind the obstruction, Ravagore was on my far left with everything else on the hill. My board was housers on das center and some housers my right. Road hog masturbating in the woods with Targ and gun boar watching because that's what creepers do. Midas, war piggy and last boar gun talk politics around grinders behind the pillar. His turn sees slip stream shenanigans letting Scythean slip my road hog a mickey leaving him at 5 points and one kidney poorer. On another note Redrum because that's what typhoon did to Road piggy with his money shots. His Carnivean creeps forward as does the rest of his army. Lastly he runs a shredder and a harrier as the only things between my slaughter housers and sweet blighted ass. I begin my turn Trying to figure out how to kill those lesser scum. I see that Midas can charge the harrier but only if one slaughter houser dies. I activate gun pig shoot that houser he toughs it... I activate targ he makes gun piggy shoot houser again, fucker toughs it. I activate other gun piggy who shoots my fucking houser. HE TOUGHS IT. I activate the grinders knowing no bonus range for me and they throw a magic kfc box at the fucker finally killing him. Midas casts massacre on himself, charges the winged abomination and before attacking curses the bitch. He boosts charge attack and misses needing a six. I buy another attack it hits, I boost damage and leave him at one point. Buy another attack it hits and with freaking necro sexing powers I get my free hex blast at the shredder. I boost, it hits, I boost, he dies. I turn my three creeper tokens into fury blaming all those misses, I battle lust the five housers pop my feat for double free road and start praying. Housers Charge two at Typon, three at Carni. With some fantastic rolls Typon and Carni are both at full. Free Road hogs realizing that spiny growth is busted try to block all lanes to Midas. Rest of the army being out of charge range runs like a bitch. His turn sees Typon shoot Midas to three then date rape master Scythean gives Midas a taste of his D.
Results- Charging with Midas for fun and profit.
I played one other game but due to my ride screaming GTFO I had to surrender turn two.
Final Score- 11/24
Final Place- First
So after four weeks of only playing seven games of which I fucking lost three I still get first. BEST LEAGUE EVAH
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