Brigands and you (check your pockets)

So before we talk about brigands let us talk about happier things like cancer or the aids epidemic.

Like the A-Team's F-Team's coffee boy's stoner brother.

Stats
These playboys got stats that rival Gandhi's military career which is to say they suck. Rocking victim stats through and through. They will get hit and killed by risen, swamp gobber crew, stormsmith punches (not lighting, punches like with that pimp cane). They have have mat and rat that will enhance your sexual performance by 63% which is still failing by my proud countries standards. Speed five isn't helping their fat asses. Ultimately they are the embodiment of piggies, slow, average mat & rat, defense twelve. What more could you want? /wrist

Powers and Stuff

Dig In- This nifty ability lets them forfeit their action to get cover and be immune to blast damage. Makes them from defense-get-shot to you might even have to boost. Lets them begin the game dug in since piggies apparently were there the whole fucking time.

Prayers- So once per activation they can pick one of three prayers which is pretty cool, also lets them pray and run.
Prayer of I'm tough- Makes them tough and fearless, with dig in makes these guys really fucking annoying.
Prayer of Pathfinder- Lets them go through woods-N-shit I've only used this prayer twice since most of the time these guys find a hill or a forest plant their feet, dig in and in general just bother people with power twelves.
Prayer of Almost Assault, Kinda- This prayer bestows the piggy power of shooting something and then mug stuff. Hows this different from assault you say? Well unlike assault this lets you shoot somebody other then your charge target, also unlike assault you shoot before you move meaning ummmm... you shoot before you move? DON'T JUDGE ME

Weapons

Pig Iron- It's a range ten power twelve gun which is kinda fucking good. Makes me question how the fuck these scum got their hands on it. Brigands still can't hit the broad side of a barn mind you, but at least they can scratch a jacks paint.

Club- Unlike our strangely good gun this is exactly what one comes to expect from playing piggies. Power tens do about as much as power fives, kill infantry and not much else.

Synergy's

The Good Doc- The Doctor being such a pimp gives these guys the respect they deserve which is none (fuck brigands). They are mandatory for his balling tier four list so take a min unit and let them suffer. The only nice thing the doc does for these cock mongers is crippling grasp punks but that helps every one so moot point. They are good for his feat as you run them up so your beast will frenzy towards the direction you desire and all it costs you is a brigand a beast, efficient!

Lord Carver- So aside from his amazing elite cadre that gives them CRA, turning them from chumps to ear biting world champs. Quagmire lets them become as big of a wrench in your plans as getting deported to Ukraine.

Strum & Drang- Deflection and telekinesis are pretty cool. Deflection lets them survive power eight blast damage on average rolls which goes a long way to making them not as bad. Telekinesis is arguably the best spell ever so not going to get much into that.

Midas- He has calamity which is just a crappy version of crippling grasp. The cool beans though is battle lust since it lets them hurt jacks. They won't be doing much to a khador jack but it's still better then just sucking dick for money.

Thronfall Alliance- It gives them advance deploy turns them from super over costed to trencher levels of not worth their points. I tend to take Thornfall bonus over Carver's tier unless I take 4-5 units of these guys because of his tier making them cheaper is typically not worth it considering it's basically one point for advance deploy which is a pretty cool deal in my book.

Overall you take brigands for a tough speed bump or when you want a shooting unit since they be the only hobos with shotguns around these parts. For 5/8 points they most certainly aren't cost efficient. Then again nothing in Thornfall is efficient....cept Carver. Being as our only other option is slaughter housers they most certainly make it into some of my lists. Personally I hate the living shit out of these guys when I'm not playing Carver because they just become a expensive distraction. CRA is just that good after playing with it they just don't make the cut with those amazing rat five pot shots.

Saddest league ever part 2 (they aren't people)

Less talk more rock


Week Two- 25 Points
In a magnanimous gesture of kindness I decided to not play any games that week seeing as my meth lab was in disarray after that FBI sting. 

Week Three- 35 points
Turns out that not a single fucking person played a league game in week two, sadly making me still in first place.

Game One Vs Cygnar
My list- Midas, gunboar, gunboar, warhog, warhog, boneswarm, slaughter housers, bone grinders, Targ, free dead road hog.
Scumbags list- N3mo & finch, Stormwall, lancer, Full stormguard, Gormon Di stone cold killer, two stormsmiths.

Terrain was forest on my left, hills in center and hill with cover on the right. Rocking my just glued Midas and his balling tier four list. After turn two his board is stormwall in forest, Gorman and guard chilling on hill with cover with lancer, Nemo and finch all chilling in back. Due to his high level of intelligence he forgot to deploy stormsmith till turn three. My piggy side had housers and a warhog going towards the stormwall, while boneswarm and warhog jr were gunning for those guard. Lastly gunboars, Midas and his groupies were in the center slightly out of get shot range. Cygnar turn three after realizing that having a squire causes finch to get the red frenzy, I let him turn those two points into a jihadist splinter cell formally known as stormsmiths. His stormwall shoots the fuck out of the hog near the guard for fifteen or so points then tries to nipple gun the slaughters, due to his bad facing he gets two shots into them cause field of fire too stronk (piggy toughs them both). His guard try to charge the boneswarm and hit once because defense fifteen against mat seven is kinda cool, doing no damage. Lancer runs near my housers for that chain lightning money. Old man Nemo gimps forward and arks chain lightning doing nothing thanks to his bad rolls. Finch shoots her cool gun and kills one piggy. Finally raging douche bag Gormon throws his black oil at hog near guard misses by three inches but thanks to some crazy fucking deviation still fucking hits. Seeing Nemo so close gives me the terrible idea of "I think I got this". Blind hog who got shot up walks a tad forward so Midas can charge his butt to get closer to do his thing. Grinders range buff  Midas and he charges my blind scum hog  missing ruining my plan as I need one fucking bone token . Realizing it's too late to pussy out now Midas hex blasts and calamity's the stormwall then pops his feat to put roadhog in shoot Nemo range. Road hog stands still and lights nemo on fire for four damage. Slaughter housers charge the wall and get four stabs in as one guy was sleeping on the job while the other was dead. They fuck the living shit out of the stormwall but because he was using stupid as hell I-pad mark damage grid thing and forgot to carry over the damage for two of the attacks only one side is gone while the other is questionably at half (I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU). So after ten minutes or so of me screaming how-the-fuck-did-you-forget-to-carry-the-damage-over I shoot it with my gun piggies who each casts their animus since Midas is gonna get killed then shoot the stormwall leaving it at five or so points. Targ ancillary a gun piggy doing another three to the stormwall. Warhog sexes up a lancer since he can't get to wall of big ass guns. Swarm tries to engage as many guard as possible. Fire burns the old man alive for another four points. He activates Gorman triggering both my gunboars to shoot on sight. First hog is within five and hits but rolls snake eyes for damage leaving that fucker still kicking at two points. Second shot being five and a half away misses, blast deviates sexily, at dice minus five I roll a six. Gorman being at one point gets nice and close then black oils Midas LIKE A BITCH. I am fucked.

Results- Fuck Gorman 

Game Two Vs Ret
My List- Midas, Boneswarm, Boneswarm, Warhog, Gun Boar,  bone grinders, slaughter housers, slaughter housers, targ, free dead road hog
Gay Elf  List- Ravyn, griffon, griffon, Dawnguard Sentinels w/ua (full),  Mage hunter strike force w/ua (full), battle mages, Wyshnalyrr, Narn, Mage hunter assassin

Terrain is hill in center, forest on the right, ruins on left. I win the roll. After two turns of running the board is hunters on right in the woods with ghetto mages behind them. Sentinels are spread out in the left and center sides with Ravyn and griffons behind them. Lastly Narn and assassin are getting naughty in the ruins. My board is a unit of housers in mid. A unit of housers staring down those hunters (which in hindsight was fucking stupid). Everything else is in the middle because I'm a genius. His turn all but two of my housers on the right meet their maker (aka Satan) and a griffon is designated a snackrafice to the piggy menace while the rest decided to watch, also Narn after deciding that life holds no meaning does ninja tricks and gets a charge off on Midas. He misses the charge attack but lands the second for six points. My amazing turn sees my gun boar snipe a ho formally known as that guy that gave sentinels vengeance. My two housers miss like a pro on the mage hunters. Both bone swarms tie up a bunch of hunters. MURDERFACE fucks himself a griffon while Midas stabs Narn in his vagina and calamity's the sentinels. Targ being the creeper that he is ancillary's the gun pig for lucky blast damage sniping on the assassin. He pops his feat and moves Ravyn and nailer scary close to my swarms. His mage hunters thinking broken bottles are better than broken dreams gang up on a bone swarm for sixish damage instead of just you know...shooting  Midas who has one fucking fury. His kittens with mittens try to do that at which their brothers have failed and magics Midas, but after learning that boosted range attacks does in fact not mean that magic attacks are boosted curses the gods and misses after needing tens.The sentinels charge my gun pig, some housers and a swarm, but fail the fucking terror check as a wave made of dead Muslims frightens their right wing sensibilities, because they are terrorists (get it? Terror-ist).  Griffon charges and fucks up a bone swarm for irreverent damage. My turn is another typical case of FUCK YEA MANMODE. Grinders give Midas the talk and he charges a hunter to get within ten of stone cold elf bitch and by sheer coincidence also within get-fucked-to-death-by-everything-else-range. Midas lands a calamity on her and pops his feat, brings back hog of roads to enact his holiday cheer. After looking the only thing between my phallic shaped boneswarm and her luscious lips is two hunters and that Wyshnalyrr fag. My whole army after some stupid bad rolls manages to kill the two hunters. Then spending 6 or so minutes figuring out how do I kill the fucking dandy man I remember the deep shame known as massacre and thus the warhog had a purpose. Hog of MURDERFACE buffs the swarm then cries deeply. My Road bamf stands still to burn that which is gay but misses Wish guy because fuck me, still hits and cooks Ravyn for at-least-your-on fire-I-guess-damage. Moment of manly moments boneswarm with three creep tokens charges nailer and  hits after a boost. The damage roll is a three but thanks to swarms jihadist powers still kills the infidel. He greases an inch to get in prison rape range. His free attack misses, Second hit after needing sevens. At dice minus two I don't boost and leave her at eight points. Buy my last attack. I hit and for the first time ever I pray for a ten. Sadly my prayers are answered.

Results- Piggies coming to a church near you

Week Four- 50 Points
I realize that meth rots your teeth and make a resolution to switch to krokodil. As for the league I'm still in the lead by one point because I killed the weak.

Game One Vs Legion
My List- Midas, Road Hog, MURDERFACE, Warhog, Bonewasrm, Gun piggy, slightly less gun piggy, bone grinders, slaughter housers, housers, that creeper targ, free dead Road
Another gay elf list- Absylonia- Sycthean, Carnivean, Seraph, Ravagor, shredder, shredder, harrier,  Typhon, Forsaken, Forsaken

After Declaring Jihad since he believes women have rights, the terrain is obstruction in center, hill on his side, forest on my left. By my turn two his board is Carnivean behind the obstruction, Ravagore was on my far left with everything else on the hill. My board was housers on das center and some housers my right. Road hog masturbating in the woods with Targ and gun boar watching because that's what creepers do. Midas, war piggy and last boar gun talk politics around grinders behind the pillar. His turn sees slip stream shenanigans letting Scythean slip my road hog a mickey leaving him at 5 points and one kidney poorer. On another note Redrum because that's what typhoon did to Road piggy with his money shots. His Carnivean creeps forward as does the rest of his army. Lastly he runs a shredder and a harrier as the only things between my slaughter housers and sweet blighted ass. I begin my turn Trying to figure out how to kill those lesser scum. I see that Midas can charge the harrier but only if one slaughter houser dies. I activate gun pig shoot that houser he toughs it... I activate targ he makes gun piggy shoot houser again, fucker toughs it. I activate other gun piggy who shoots my fucking houser. HE TOUGHS IT. I activate the grinders knowing no bonus range for me and they throw a magic kfc box at the fucker finally killing him. Midas casts massacre on himself, charges the winged abomination and before attacking curses the bitch. He boosts charge attack and misses needing a six. I buy another attack it hits, I boost damage and leave him at one point. Buy another attack it hits and with freaking necro sexing powers I get my free hex blast at the shredder. I boost, it hits, I boost, he dies. I turn my three creeper tokens into fury blaming all those misses, I battle lust the five housers pop my feat for double free road and start praying. Housers Charge two at Typon, three at Carni. With some fantastic rolls Typon and Carni are both at full. Free Road hogs realizing that spiny growth is busted try to block all lanes to Midas. Rest of the army being out of charge range runs like a bitch. His turn sees Typon shoot Midas to three then date rape master Scythean gives Midas a taste of his D.

Results- Charging with Midas for fun and profit.

I played one other game but due to my ride screaming GTFO I had to surrender turn two.

Final Score- 11/24

Final Place- First

So after four weeks of only playing seven games of which I fucking lost three I still get first. BEST LEAGUE EVAH

Saddest league ever Part 1 (Tiger blood)

So a few weeks ago my store decided to start a league. Now since our league was as well made as the Titanic I will state the league rules.

- The league will last for four weeks with escalating point cost each week starting at 15 points and ending at 50.

- Only three games each week can be counted towards the "league". A win will get you 2 points and a loss will get you 1, so each week you can get a max amount of 6 points.

-If you have gotten all three of your league games that week you can help others get their three in, it just won't count towards your score that week.

- You can't play the same person twice in a row in the same week.

Seems simple right? So let me start this bad boy off. My army if you might have guessed was minions because my love of bacon far exceeds my fear of death. Warning due to my frequent consumption of cleaning products my memory of anything longer then a suns passing is fuzzy.

Week One-15 Points

Game One Vs Legion
My list- Good Doctor, MURDERFACE, MURDERFACE, MURDERFACE
Not my list- P Thagrosh, Carnivean, Scythean
Scenario- WE AIN'T GOT TIME FO THAT

Terrain was just a bunch of hills and made no impact on anything. The first few turns were a drunken haze of him and me running and casting buffs. Once he got within thirteen or so inches I masterfully used the Good Doctors feat and thanks to my Warhogs being in Charlie's Angel formation (Imagine a triangle shape so they can't see each other thus preventing Brokeback Mountain 2 Return of the MURDERFACE) so my piggies frenzied seven inches forward the got the charge on his poor Dragon spawn. I had one pig on each heavy and one kept back by the Doc in case shit hit the fan as it always does. The piggy on the Scythean who also happened to be Force evolutioned wrecked the spawns ass in true MURDERFACE fashion even with Thag's bullshit minus two strength aura. Warhog B decided to foreclose his home by missing a defense eleven Carnivean with all but two attacks, to add salt on the wound he rolled a three and a five for damage. His turn was a sad day for all as Thagrosh thinking he was the Butcher gave himself draconic blessing (?) charged the Scythean killing bad ass and because of forced evo had to spend all but three fury to kill it (god rest his murder facing soul). Popped his feat brought back the Scyth to block a charge lane from my back up piggy, Thags then casted spiny growth on himself leaving him with one fury and called it a day. The Carnivean following my now homeless pigs example whiffed all but three of his attacks and thanks to some unholy column rolling left my bum fully functioning. My turn being a glorious moment in piggy history the Good Doc force evo the Auxiliary pig, decided fuck the police and charged his Scythean. Before the attack he crippling grasped Thagrosh, then whiffed the charge like the Good Doc that he is. His second shark punch hit and using his awesome mind control powers made the his dragon my bitch making it to walk to Thag and punch him for ten points which he transferred to the Scythean because it's funny. Back up Dancer piggy proceeded to charge Thag and show him his extensive collection of rape.

Results- PIGGIES WIN

Game Two Vs Retribution
My list- Dr. Strangelove, Warhog, Warhog, Warhog
Enemy list- Ravyn, Banshee, Stormfall Archers w/ Soulless Escort, Narn, Mage Hunter Assassin
Scenario- Going to give you a hint not one fuck scenario was given THE WHOLE LEAGUE

The terrain mattered this time so big forest in the middle and a hill on the right. I look at his list and I'm scared since my doctor buddy has a tendency to get shot like Tupac. I deployed in Angels formation cause I meant serious business, he lined his guys up Narn, archers on my left. Ravyn, Banshee and Assassin on my right. I don't remember how but for some reason I lived to turn three and the board looked something like this. Narn is chilling near my deployment, thanks to my feat I guess, his banshee got one shot off at a piggy then got insta killed, his Assassin was dead thanks to my mad primal shock skills and I had the doc in the middle of the forest. For a reason known only to him he attempted to go for the gold the turn after his banshee was killed while the doc was in a forest with three fury with only two Stormfalls that could draw line of sight. Long story short he forgot to activate caster first to pop her feat, needed double six's. After the doc emerged unscathed from his forest abode he realized Raven was in piggy charge range thanks to noob massacre hacks.The doc forced evo'd the pig gave him massacre then sent the lad off to die for his country. Murderer of face got there missed two of his three, luckily one boosted power 20 kills casters.

RESULTIBRU!!1! - Piggies > Elves

Game Three Vs Cygnar
My List- Going to blow your mind The Doctor, Warhog, Warhog, El Faceo De Murder
His List- N2mo, Centurion, Centurion and three Stormsmiths

After he spends 5 minutes saying my list is unbeatable the MYSTERIOUS UNNAMED STRANGER says he has a counter. Not giving the fucks I put down the same list. The terrain was the same as last game. After buffing we both B-line it towards the hill. He walks both of his guys up and polarity fields them both. After asking my local pressganger wtf happens if I frenzy on a guy I can't charge. He tells me after I slip him a five I just make a full advance, so with that newly acquired shady knowledge. The Doc declares jihad on the boys in blue and pops his feat making my army move a whopping four inches forward. The Doctor then lands a grasp on one Centurion (not the fail safe one) and primal shocks one smith to kingdom come. Two of my piggies trample to the crippled Centurion and wreck it bypassing his fool proof no charge plan. Last piggy runs to engage the last Centurion. Nemo thinking it's as good of a time as any waddles forward,  pops his feat to give the last Mohican enough focus to drown a cat. His Stormsmiths pull a 9/11 and try to twin towers the good Doc for 7ish damage. Manly man Centurion fucks shit up and murders one of my pigs in cold blood. Kill Centurion with last piggy because it isn't gay if it's a three way. With a corpse of a piggy there's some leeway. The Doc outraged by this blatant act of terrorism primal shocks the last two smiths to Guantanamo Bay while the last pig creeps up to the old bastard to have his way the next turn. Nemo the player that he is knows hes been out pimped, takes a shot at the doc then concedes.

Results- Pimping and piggies goes hand in hand

Extra Game Vs Khador
My List- Same list we play every night pinky
Red Dawn List- Epic Sorscha, Beast 09, Winterguard deathstar w/ no rockets, Kovnick Joe

The board is some cover on my left and a L-shape forest in middle, hill on right. By the Second turn we are both up he has iron fleshed Wintergaurd on the hill. I have Doc upkeep aggravater & foreced evo in forest and bacon out of Beast 09-gonna-make-you-squeal-like-a-pig-range. His turn three is the inexorable advance of the red tide of Communism with some pot shots here and there triggering hyper aggressive FOR THE FIRST TIME ALL LEAGUE in a way that doesn't suck genitalia. My turn I sees me an easy trample to beat with power 18's kill Sorscha plan, so I go for it. Piggy moseys on over missing his tramples on them conscripts while taking 5 or so for his troubles. First bought boosted attack on the ice bitch hits with dice plus one and I do seven or so points. Buy and boost, another whiff and that piggies sitting in deliverance range. other piggy runs to engage some Russians while back up piggy chills with the Doc. Doc tries to land a grasp on the guard but iron fleshed guard after being taught at that bobbing and weaving seminar are fucking bullet proof so he attempts to give Joe the shocker but misses. I only realize after he starts allocating that I could've popped the feat for one extra shot at the money but I digress... Ice whore doesn't upkeep the flesh and pops her feat then cyclones away. Beast kills trample man with two focus to spare. Winter smucks after getting a speech (You, you are like bear, hairy, prone to sleep in winter) to not blow dirty old men for money suck a lot less. Thanks to her bullshit feat they almost kill the engaging piggy and have two posers run to tie up concerned stranger #42 pig. My turn the Doc in an attempt to outdo his previous exploits charges the guards engaging pig #42. Before attacking tries to grasp them, misses needing a five.  Second times the charm right? He buys and boosts another grasp, fucking fails. Manly Doc manages to hit with his needle though convincing the Russian that stabbing his friend with a bottle of antifreeze is a great idea. After the assisted suicide my living on a prayer piggy tries to kill the Commys but needing sixes is to much for his pcp addled brain to comprehend and he whiffs everything. Pig #42 does a rocky montage as he prepares for the fight against The Russian Beast 09. Khador man kills the pig that was kind enough to let the guard live while leaving Beast 09 in #42 range and Scorscha safely behind a line of patriotism. The moment of truth. Coach Doc force evo's and massacres Rocky while landing a grasp on Beast 09 to make things fair. Rocky charges Beast 09 needing anything but snake eyes, misses all three of his initial attacks like the fucking pro that he is. The Icing on the cake is his other three attacks that managed hit that sky high defense of eight, rolling at dice plus two on damage managed to leave beast with every single system functioning. Realizing that my life long doctor friend is within Beast 09 gonna-use-you-as- a-condom-range with zero fury on him, I surrender.

Results- Being humble in defeat as I am in victory. I shall forever lament over the fact that out of over 50ish attacks I hit only 8. I blame the government.


Week One Score 6/6

Warhog (MURDERFACE MURDERFACE MURDERFACE)

Sometimes you look at a faction and you are astounded by all the options, other times you get the warhog...

Who needs two-handed throws when you got MURDERFACE?

Da Stats

Spd- MURDERFACE is speed 4 cause he loves to take his time and enjoy life. You could learn a thing or two from him, like how to fucking hate speed 4. Makes his total unbuffed threat range 7 1/2.

Str- If someone want's to throw our poor pcp addicted piggy, it's gonna happen. Fact of life, move on, complain about something important like why are you reading the musings of my meth addled brain.

Mat- He is mat is 6 cause if it was any lower he would not be able to do his name sake which is well murdering faces. He typically needs to boost against pretty much everything. On an unrelated note my lovable rapscallion of a warhog managed to miss a defense 8 three times in a row (says more about my dice then about him...) cause sometimes you got take a break and look at the bigger picture.

Rat- Did I mention that I needed this post to look bigger to compensate for my incredibly small, shriveled, cancerous, down right emasculating....sticker collection.

Def- As hard to hit as every other scumbag, Canadian, devil worshiping piggy, so 12.

Arm- Armor 18 means he doesn't die as easy as armor 17? Got no more similes just meth....lots of meth. just enough armor to ensure only his paint gets scratched by power 12's.

Hit boxes- he has 28 which is more cushion for the pushing if you ask me. Four power 18's will on average dice off our bacony abomination so don't let enemy heavies get near him.

Cost- All that you see can be yours if you pay the oh so small price of eight points along with your pride, money and virginity. For eight points can't call him a steal by any means though.

Over all his stats sum up what his Modus Operandi is, be slow, not very accurate, murder faces all while loving you long time.

Special Abilities & Weapons 

Aggression Dial- He can be forced take D3 points of damage to PARTY HARD. Plus two strength makes you from girly piggy to the death dealing entrepreneur we know and love. With this turns your tusks and cleavers to power 17 and 18 respectively. The forcing means you will lose one attack but for the bonus two strength it's usually a fair trade if you are attacking one poor schmuck. The D3 damage can fuck you something fierce if you lose an aspect because of your drunk science.

Massacre- Cost two fury and is range six, lets the poor unfortunate soul you put it on murder faces harder by letting him/her charge for free and if (and only if) he/she kills the charge target with his/her charge attack you can move one inch and get a free attack. This animus blows, I'm more likely to get raped by a shark in Detroit then be living in the magical fucking Christmas land that this animus holds so dearly. The few times I do use this is to kill people is when like dark wing duck always says "lets to get dangerous!" and spend two fury to move one fucking inch, maybe. I usually just use my warlock to cast this disappointment to let my piggy get a free charge.

Gore- P&S 15 with crit knockdown. Use this mother fucker to free stike those who dare oppose the might of MURDERFACE. If you have to boost a attack to hit your victim boost this one.

War Cleaver-P&S 16 and he has two of them nothing to look at here shoo fly shoo.

Synergies-N-Shit

w/ Carver- Mobility and batten down the hatches makes Carver hot stuff. Offensively our piggy with Carver looks like this, one power 17+1D6 and five power 18+1D6 rocking effective mat 8 (cause quagmire is legit).

w/ Good Doctor- God put the Good Doctor on this earth for one reason, to make our starving Ethiopian piggies from lion food to sleek steam punk killing machines. His feat when not causing your piggies to have rape fantasies of each other basically says get a free charge then party like a rock star. Offensively he makes them look like this, one effective power 21 and five effective power 22's with a mat 8 (crippling grasp and forced evolution). Bonus, his tier list makes warhogs one point less cause being a pimp ain't easy especially when your trying to sell an ass like MURDERFACE.

w/ Strum & Drang- Aside from telekinesis Strum ain't got shit for our murder of the face but Drang gives them goad and killing stats that look something like this, one power 17 and five power 18 with mat 8 & a free charge.

w/ Midas- Midas has calamity and his creepy corpse fucking feat. With calamity he can give them killing stats like, one power 19 and five power 20 w/ mat 8

Final thoughts on the warhog is he hits pretty fucking hard with our warlocks and is deceptively fast cause he's a sneaky bastard. In any other faction you would usually pass him up for something not so balls sucky, but since piggies are fucking men they are willing to give our just-out-of-prison friend a chance. So if you are playing piggies and want a warbeast that hits hard look no further because he killed everyone else. Seriously though he is all you fucking got.

 

Razorback Crew (Hit them with the shampoo)

So before we begin I'm going to tell you if you are playing any kind of tier list don't look at razorback crew, look for Jesus cause god isn't here in razorback crewville.

3 points and all I got was scabies.

Stats
These fine terrorist of a pig have generic victim stats which is to say def less then 13 and arm less then 16 which means everything from risen to a scarlock thrall shanking will kill them. They are only spd 4 cause the guilt of blowing up a school bus full of orphans weighs them down. Rocking a solid level of rat comparable to my I.Q. which is to say 4. Rest of these stats are to trick you so I will refrain from speaking such blasphemy.

Abilities

Dig in- Means they can forfeit their action to get cover and be immune to blast damage until they move. Pretty relevant considering they can't shoot and move anyways so +4 def makes them not so prone to death. Cool story they can begin the game dug in.

Light Artillery- Ton of words that basically says you can't get aiming bonus or move and shoot cause bazookas are heavy.

Range Finder- If the crewmen is base to base with the leader the bazooka guy gets +2 to his atk rolls which is pretty much aiming bonus. makes his rat less of a joke but you don't take this guy to hit.

Weapons

Club- If you are using this to win something of great interest has just happened.

Pig Iron (Grunt only)- it's a range 10 power 12 that your scummy grunt can fire while finding that range.

Razorback (Leader only)- Range 14 power 15 aoe 3. Somehow these hobos found a sexy rocket launcher, lost three fingers to learn to fire it and said "LONG DISTANCE MONEY MAKER!" Guns great power 8 blast damage kills armor 14 on average rolls so only them rich infantry suckers who can afford shields and shit will survive.

Synergy

Lord Carver- Aside from the fact that Carver makes everything burn like my herpes, he does absolutely nothing for them aside from giving fearless which while nice isn't saving the day. The plus side his tier list isn't bat shit crazy like the good doctor or Strum & Drang so you can let them have advance deploy which helps them a lot with finding a place to bunker up and take pot shots every turn.

The Good Doctor- He has crippling grasp that debuffs the guys you want to shoot, But the Good Doctor likes his warhogs, road hogs and not razorback crew. Another nail in the razorback coffin is that the good docs tier 4 is amazing and that means no advance deploy for our disease ridden friends. Not saying it's impossible but spending the first 2 turns running tends to leave a sour taste in my mouth when I could have just advance deployed them, walked and dug in.

Strum & Drang- The Storm & Drive were made for razorback crew (probably) telekinesis means they can move 2 inches and still shoot, while it can be used to give them back arc bonus by turning enemies face down ass up. That pretty much is why Strum and Drang love them some razorbacks. Sadly they have a very nice tier so if you want that you won't be getting advance deploy which means another turn or two running.

Midas- While I have yet to try the grinder of bone he seems to show some razorback loving, his calamity spell is great if a tad short on the range and will cost you the game, but he likes warbeast and the gun boar is only 2 more points. Luckily for me my love of scumbag razorback crew far exceeds my disdain for gun boars.

Thornfall Alliance- It gives your units advance deploy if you aren't a tier list. Makes razorback crew from bad to slightly overcosted (as are all piggies).

Final Thoughts
The razor back crew is one of the better light artillery, which doesn't say much for light artillery, if it has advance deploy. If it is not rocking that advance deploy he is spending valuable shooting money running. They also are suffering from minions tax which means that they are 1 point much thanks to the fact that they whore themselves out to pretty much everyone (explains the itch to play them among other places...). The only other gripe I might have about it aside from the fact it can't hit the broad side of a barn, or live longer then a back alley abortion is the fact that gun boars exist. Don't get me wrong the gun boar causes me to shed tears of blood but for only 2 more points you get -2 power and +1 range (because it can walk) and the all-so-precious ability to boost. 6 points for two power 15 aoes is nice though. PRAISE BE ALLAH!

Thornfall Alliance and Carver (mostly Carver)

The goal of this gloriously shallow blog is to in my own words describe and distil all that is of my  homicidal pigmen faction for which whom I hold full of contempt love. So it only makes sense to start this blog with the BMMD himself.

 Lord Carver
Lets get this out of the way Carver is a god among men pigs. He makes your  piggies hit faster, stronger, live longer and actually hit in the first place, he's like that daft punk song about being harder, better, faster, stronger and shit. IF HE WAS IN ANY OTHER FACTION ( you know those "real factions" that have things that make me question why I'm fielding a 10 man unit that's 12/14 def & armor for 8 fucking points...but I digress) HE WOULD (G)RAPE YOU TO DEATH. Now that is out of my system lets look at his stats..

Fury- Hes got a an okay fury of 6 which gets the job done can't really ask for more.

Spd- his speed is above par for a scummy pigman which is to say average for the rest of the world. With mobility he's got his nikes on.


Str- why are you even reading this? Whats he going to do two-handed throw some punk?

Mat- he can hit def 14 on okay rolls which is to say average for a dude who makes a living stabbing faces.

Rat- In all of the games I've played with the great lord of Carv I've only used his gun to great effect once and it was to kill one of my brigands cause he was blocking a charge lane (don't ask why). So think of his Rat like this you can hit anything in your army on average rolls, anything more then that BOOST THE BITCH!

Def- Aside from the fact that using defense to live is for girly men like Caine, Carver got a pretty legit def of 15 not that it matters thanks to a certain spell.

Arm- This is whats going to keep you from being the main course, arm 17 is a lie he is armor 20 all day every day, except when you get real desperate and need that fury to cast something super shitty, like massacre.

Cmd- Got a cmd of 9 cause you don't run when Chief Smack-a-ho says to fight.

All in all Carver's stats range from average spd, def, mat, and fury to his manly arm 17 to his rat which we don't talk about. Now lets move on to his weapons-n-stuff.

Hand of God- Best name for a weapon ever, P&S 15 with reach and the whole "I'm on a warlock so it must have magic weapon!". With his feat this thing will put the fear of god in them.

Sawed-Off Shotgun- It's a rof 2 range 6 power 12 spray with BOTH MOTHER FUCKING BARRELS which in lame man's terms means you can get one power 16 instead of 2 power 12's at first I was thinking this was going to be the bees knees but in practice every once and awhile I would take a pot shot, couldn't really boost cause mobility+batten leaves you with that oh-so-precocious 1 transfer fury and if you are within 6 of shooting some fool you best be needing that transfer money . Think of it like this if Carver with mobility is moving 8 plus the 6 inches from his gun that is a 14 inch threat range now Carver charging with mobility is 8 plus 3 from charge plus 2 from his reach 8+3+2=13 so his gun only has 1 more inch of hate then his trusty rape stick plus his godlike rat of 5 isn't impressing anybody.

Farrow Warlock- He is a Pigman expect to play pig people. I'm never going to bring this one up again if you really need to know what this one means not even my enlightening rhetoric can save you.

Inspiration [Farrow]- Means farrow ain't afraid of nothing except ho's and tricks (while in his command). Doesn't come up often since most farrow as it turns out are fearless most of the time, it is nice though when I get that urge to remind myself why I don't use razorback crew.

Elite Cadre [Farrow Brigands]-  Gives your brigands combined ranged attack which turns them from victims who occasionally tough it to almost scary guys. Imagine 2 brigands suddenly becoming one rat 7 pow 14 or 10 of them becoming one rat 15 power 22 that's the stuff of nightmares.

Tough- Means if he bites the dust he has a 1/3 chance of giving death the finger. Never have had to make a tough check with him cause CARVER AIN'T EVAH GONNA DIE.

Did you know that without his spell list Carver would be a shell of a man? No joke his spell list is sex on fire if all you did was missionary for procreation only, as in it gets the job done and gets it done good but if you are looking for excitement then get the fuck out.

Batten Down the Hatches- For 3 fury it gives your battle group -2 def and +3 armor cause fuck the police. Turns your Warhogs from def a joke and arm 18 to def a joke and armor 21! Makes Carver the sexy beast that he is cause he is now rocking defense 13 and armor 20 and we all know that having defense is for the malnourished. I cast this every turn unless some crazy shit just went down. I can't even begin to think why I would not cast this (mage hunters I guess).

Mobility- Once again giving your battle group another ticket to the murder train by giving them plus 2 speed and pathfinder all for the measly cost of 2 fury. Now that 2 speed is pretty important considering when you run it's speedX2 meaning a Warhogs laughable speed 4 becomes 6 which lets him run 12. On a side note turns Roadhogs from fast to terrorism levels of speed. Cast this every turn you are not in combat. Don't ask questions.

Quagmire-  2 fury range 6, Buffs a friendly faction model/unit by turning them into walking magnets making any poor soul stuck next to the guy(s) not able to advance in anyway except to change his facing and if that wasn't enough it makes them get -2 defense which means piggies will be hitting them and stuff. This is one of them tricky spells at first glance you'll be thinking "they get -2 def and can't run away? Sweet!" But it's so much more.

Rift- It's a range 8 power 13  4 inch aoe sounds decent right? The kick in the teeth is it cost 3 which means you will always have something better to do with the fury you know like casting one of the above spells.

Feat [Hog Heaven]- While within his control area he gives all friendly farrow an extra damage dice and overtake. The turn you think you are going to have your way with them you pop this bad boy and watch armies melt before your superior pig technology. The overtake allows for some ghetto assassinations with the Warhogs animus cause none expects you to weasel an extra 2 inches maybe 3, except you know smart players but they are few and far between.

All in all Carver is a pretty cool guy and every thing he touches turns to gold. If I were to rate him between 1 being cancer and 10 being Carver he would be a solid 10. He makes your guys faster, hit better, tougher, and hit harder what more do you want? NOTHING! The only complaint that I would have about Carver (if it even is one) Is that the opponents know what he does after a game or two and he doesn't have a lot of subtly, doesn't stop you from smashing face but there's not a lot of "bet you didn't see that coming" moments just pure unadulterated piggy violence.